The only reason you should ever get a facelift is to put a permanent smile on your face.
The breast time in life is when we are breastfeeding. It’s sad most of us forget that.
The best way to get over the fear of dancing in public is to wear a blindfold. Everyone will think you’re a pro.
My psychiatrist diagnosed me as a television with static coming out of it.
Overdosing on ex-lax is a pretty shitty way to die.
Meditation is the only good form of procrastination.
I just went to the hospital and asked for every vaccine possible. They asked if I was a hypochondriac but I told them I just wanted Autism.
What is it called when Sigmund Freud doesn’t show up? A Freudian Skip.
I’m a failure at everything. I can’t even kill myself.
If you’re having a great day and the crosswalk signal says walk, you should dance.