Obituaries should be written by the people that know us best, our enemies.
When someone is almost an asshole they’re a Perineum.
A fake person has faked it until they made it.
In Canada erupting into road rage is called “Losing your Timbits.”
I talk so much that my own mouth wants me to shut up.
When you bend over backwards too much for someone, your head lands up your ass.
My forehead is so high that it sits in the clouds. Oh wait, that’s my ego.
Some people call me fake. Well, I’d be myself but then nobody would like me.
Whenever people read my body language, they tell me to shut up. I haven’t even opened my big mouth yet.
People say I look dead inside. That’s because my boss has sucked the life out of me.