Obituaries should be written by the people that know us best, our enemies.

The best thing about dying is becoming famous in the obituaries of a newspaper.

A funeral is an elaborate human composting ceremony where the dead person eventually becomes fresh blades of grass.

Dead people should be buried in sleeping bags because they’re never going to wake up again.

When you die your memory lives forever on the internet – you’re a ghost in the cloud.

When a hairstylist dies: Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow.

I had a great time catching up with an old friend today while I was digging him out of his grave.

I like to crash funerals because I want to deepen my depression.

My legs are so pale it looks like they just saw a ghost.

Promoting texting and driving is how the world will knock off dumb people.