When you perform stand-up comedy and someone dies laughing, you killed.

My subconscious is a better joke writer than I am. He wrote every single one and I get to take credit for it.

Anyone wanna hear a bad joke? I know 1,000 of them. I wrote them myself.

Sometimes I like to trip over my feet just to start a fight with myself.

In the morning my jokes sound tired.

When Brent Butt tells you who he is his surname moons you.

Whenever someone steals my jokes I become their ghostwriter.

My shit doesn’t stink but your lack of laughter does.

Sex jokes with trash cans are rubbish.

My last comedy show consisted of me leaving my jeans zipper wide open while homeless people threw cigarette butts inside.