I’m opening an artisan pizza shop called Cardboard because that’s what it’ll taste like you’re eating. It’s the secret ingredient.
What do you call a bodybuilder that doesn’t read books? A dumbbell.
I find people that find my jokes funny aren’t people at all but peoples pets. My jokes can get dogs howling.
In Canada erupting into road rage is called “Losing your Timbits.”
If you only take photographs of feet you’re a feetographer and you take feetos.
A scientific study was just done that says 99.9% of fast food meals taste like leftovers.
Facebook calls its site a social networking service, but I call it a social forgetting service. Add someone as a friend, then forget about them.
I bought a coffee table book that didn’t come with any legs, so I asked for my money back.
A line of high-end cocaine is now called Bitcoin.
My family’s great. They try and help out when they can. Like my dad called me recently to give me all his old underwear. Just hope my mom doesn’t do the same. I hate that under wire crap she uses.