When someone with cosmetic surgery doesn’t get enough sleep they wake up with plastic bags under their eyes.
I hate auto correct. The only thing it knows how to spell properly is its own name.
I’m always nervous when I go to the bar alone so I buy a drink to hold for comfort but that gets expensive. So, now I’m bringing my baby blanket.
People say I take too long to get over past girlfriends. I can’t help it that I still have all their toothbrushes in my bathroom. Now when a new girl comes over, I just tell her to choose one.
I remember the first time I had a bird go to the bathroom on my head. I was so furious that I chased it down and after I caught him I pooped on his head too.
When I get married buying a ring is going to be really cheap because it’s just going to be a pair of handcuffs.
I know a smoker that switched to chewing tobacco because he likes to choose how he gets cancer.
Cabs take too long to come in Vancouver so I just call for an ambulance because I’m dying to get somewhere.
When a nice guy shrivels up and dies, he crawls up his asshole and becomes one.
I was just photographed for Google Maps Street View. Does anyone know where I can get a set of prints?